bears in bars

As near as I can tell, that's when this latest craziness began - last week Tuesday.
It had seemed to be a regular 'date' with Kevin, at least of late. Dinner at the Galley had been fun and he had even told me a joke. He hasn't done that for a while, so it was nice. Want to know what it was? Well, you're gonna hear it anyway.

A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender,
"I'll have a gin...
...
...
and tonic."
The bartender asks, "Why the long pause?"
The bear says, "I get those from my father."


Bah-dum-DUM.
I thought about telling him my joke about bears in bars, but I couldn't remember all the alliterative bits, so I refrained.
Later, at the cinema to see the latest Tom Cruise flick, I told the joke to the counter clerk. We were having to wait for her register to come back online and it was taking awhile. Others were waiting, too, and she was clearly unhappy about the machine...so I told the joke.
Not only did it lighten the mood of her and those behind us, but we even got free popcorn and soda!
I wish I could have seen Kevin's face.
That definitely had an impact.
Perhaps that's why he had agreed to meet up two days later. But something had changed with him. His attention was deliberately on the television and he told no jokes. Still, he seemed fine at "Blade Runner 2049", though he was aggravated at the length of the movie.
Then we were together again on Saturday...
all day...
and this 'unspoken thing' between us, that's been going on for close to two years, took over.
Tuesday came around this week and knocked things loose again... but not in a good way.
First, he was late to the Galley. Then he was distracted, watching the tv again.
At one point, he asked if I thought he was having trouble at school because he was older.
I immediately answered in the affirmative and then expounded, talking about my older students.
Then he talked about Cedric not having much sympathy for his latest breakup. He then proceeded to list the names of about fifteen women. When I asked him if he had slept with all of them, he acted shocked and said those were all the women he'd ever dated... even if they were just for one date.
Seriously.
That just blew my mind.
Then he said he'd taken to just telling his folks about women after their fourth date... whether they'd even had sex by that time or not.
Seriously.
I told him he should wait at least six months before doing that.
He said he had thought this latest was "the one".
I gently told him I had known he and the pastry chef were not going to last when I had talked with her that first time. Like I said back in May, she is a smart one, and very practical, too. She understood the workload she would have during the summer and how much less time she would have free in the fall.
He then called off going to the movie and rushed us out of there.
When we were getting into his truck, he muttered sotto voce "I'm not making a pass at you, the blanket is bunched up under me" as he twisted around in his seat.
I let the comment just lie there.
At my car, he got out to give me a hug - a real hug - then broke it off rather abruptly... but not before I landed a kiss on his neck.
He didn't say a word. He just backed off to his truck, waving his finger at me and not responding to me, leaving me just standing and talking to him as he closed his door and started his truck.
Furious, I had driven off, going... somewhere, anywhere... and landing at the Lucas. There, I was treated to the last hour of "Loving Vincent".
i thank You, God.

Afterward, I sent the following to him.
"I ask that in the future, please let me know if you don't want to meet on Tuesday, or any other day. As delightful as Saturday was, tonight was the opposite. I am a grown woman and i have other plans i can make. Honestly, i was so mad i was shaking."
At 1:18 this morning, he responded.
"Hi Tina, I just saw your message. I am so sorry that you felt abused. I just felt exhausted suddenly. It was like everything caught up with me. I went straight to bed.
Certainly before we just had dinner and called it a night and that felt like a relief.
I am at a strange place. I'm trying not to isolate, but I certainly didn't mean to hurt you. I am so sorry."
Strange place?
Well, I certainly know a thing or two about that, don't I?
"I am at a strange place too. On Saturday, i lost track of the boundary. I saw you as a man, and found myself strongly attracted. Then we went to your place and that attraction strengthened. I have tried to put our friendship foremost, i have. Then you made that remark about not making a pass at me, there in your truck. I just don't know what to do now.
I expect no response right now. Got to teach."
That was sent to him at 11:37 this morning.

I still have no response from him.

At least he knows how I feel about him.