shine bright like a diamond

The caption on this photograph reads as follows.
"Two sides of Faustina: She's confident enough to show her vulnerable side to loved ones. She loves sharing her day with her best friends but is just as happy doing her own thing. A rebel with a heart of gold."
How on Earth did that facebook app determine that on-target description of me?
Well, I do post a lot of photos of me by myself and I do mark that I "love" what my friends and family members post on that social media.
Of late, I've been reaching out to close friends about the suicides in my family, in the wake of some prominent celebrity deaths - I'm sure the site's analytics have noted that, too.
And when I travel, it's clear from my posts that I am journeying solo.
Honestly, as an analytical chemist, I see that it's easy enough to put those pieces together to determine my "two sides" of my personality.

One of my acquaintances on the site truly has two sides, as she has a chemical imbalance. She posted this today.
"I'm struggling. That's where I am today. I'm struggling. I don't know what else to say. I feel like I'm constantly in a state of I can't make it on my own and just admitting I'm not gonna make it is hard. I wish I could articulate for others how it feels to live in my Bipolar schizophrenic brain where even when I'm on medication, I'm fighting a battle I'm going to eventually lose.
Yesterday was my annual reup with my therapist where we go over my treatment plan and try to imagine what's going to occur within the next year. I have a failure of imagination when it comes to my treatment, I just want it to be over. I want to be cured. I wanna stop hearing things when I'm stressed. I wanna stop seeing things when I'm out of sorts. I want to be free of the destructive voices in my head. I want my happy moods to actually be happy instead of me aping what I think happy looks like. I wanna stop suffering and struggling. And there is an easy way to make all that happen. And I'm ashamed to say there are often days when that becomes almost impossible to resist.
People say reach out. Say something to someone. I don't want to overstay my welcome. I don't want to be a downer on someone else's day. Reach out they say. Let someone know. Unfortunately, when you're a permanent resident of this place, reaching out is exhausting. You would have to stay reaching out when the truth is the only thing you wanna do is sink in. Sink and disappear. I want to stop taking up space where i don't belong, where people don't even tolerate me very well.
I'm struggling. My identity doesn't feel like it belongs to me anymore, if it ever did. I hesitate to post this because it seems too much like attention seeking and attention is for people who are worth something. I like to pretend I'm worth something. Others will say I am. They will assign me a value I don't feel. They will tell me they love me and I matter and the truth is I wish that were true."
How do you respond to such a raw wound of the psyche?
What words can be said that won't come off as trite or lip service?
Well, one person managed to find them.
"Thank you for reaching out. Thank you for the courage to show your weaknesses. I have no words of advice or comfort, except maybe to say that when we feel worthless it is important to remember that it is not up to us to determine our worth. A diamond doesn’t appraise itself, it just is itself. And the task of assigning worth is left to those who value it. So... while to some a diamond is pointless to others it is priceless. You shine on your own. And people do value that."
Incredibly well said.

IT IS NOT UP TO US TO DETERMINE OUR WORTH.

Those are words I shall strive to remember.
Ever since my birthday, I have struggled.
Even though I had well over a hundred birthday greetings on facebook, I felt... disappointed? ... lonely? ... not valued? ... older?
Yes, all of those feelings, plus a few more.
So, what was the reason for those types of feelings?
Mostly, I must say it was a lack of communication on my part.
I had wanted a huge four-day party that lasted all of Memorial Day weekend and up through my birthday!
That's what I had for my fortieth birthday and I had loved it! On the Friday of that Memorial Day weekend of 1998, my husband and I had our private celebration of the 40th anniversary of my birth - ooh la la! On that Saturday night of 1998, we had a big party at our house with all of our friends - so much fun! Then, on the Sunday of 1998, we held an afternoon cookout with all of the family - superb! What an absolutely glorious birthday that had been!
Truly, I had wanted that again, and had even spoken of that desire to my first niece.
I had been with her at Party City and I had bought items toward that goal. (She was shopping for items for her little girl's first birthday.) She had told me she had the Sunday off and would be looking forward to the party at my house.
But that party didn't happen.
Even though Ed's cats finally had left, my Ocean Room still has smelly carpet in it, awaiting removal by one of my brothers. The guest room still has stacks of items from the Ocean Room as well as school stuff vacated from my now defunct office at Armstrong. And the dining room? Well, let's say the table doesn't have room for food.
But let me be totally honest right here.
I say I wanted a big series of parties... but what I truly wanted was for someone else to host those parties. I didn't want the hassle of setting everything up all by myself and cleaning everything afterward all by myself and paying for the food and drink all by myself.
I wanted someone else to care enough to do all of that for me.
Thank God for the party at the Savannah Bananas! That was so very nicely timed in my favor.
Thank God for the week of free Odd Lot shows! Those loving friends provided four nights of fun for me!
Thank God for Carolyn and Sandy and Julie for joining me at some of those events!
Thank God for so many who find value in me.

i thank You, God, for the many blessings in my life.