free will, fate, and altruism

Here's a story I've been emailed a few times.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

A terrible storm came into a town and local officials sent out an emergency warning that the riverbanks would soon overflow and flood the nearby homes. They ordered everyone in the town to evacuate immediately.

A faithful Christian man heard the warning and decided to stay, saying to himself, “I will trust God and if I am in danger, then God will send a divine miracle to save me.”

The neighbors came by his house and said to him, “We’re leaving and there is room for you in our car, please come with us!” But the man declined. “I have faith that God will save me.”

As the man stood on his porch watching the water rise up the steps, a man in a canoe paddled by and called to him, “Hurry and come into my canoe, the waters are rising quickly!” But the man again said, “No thanks, God will save me.”

The floodwaters rose higher pouring water into his living room and the man had to retreat to the second floor. A police motorboat came by and saw him at the window. “We will come up and rescue you!” they shouted. But the man refused, waving them off saying, “Use your time to save someone else! I have faith that God will save me!”

The flood waters rose higher and higher and the man had to climb up to his rooftop.

A helicopter spotted him and dropped a rope ladder. A rescue officer came down the ladder and pleaded with the man, "Grab my hand and I will pull you up!" But the man STILL refused, folding his arms tightly to his body. “No thank you! God will save me!”

Shortly after, the house broke up and the floodwaters swept the man away and he drowned.

When in Heaven, the man stood before God and asked, “I put all of my faith in You. Why didn’t You come and save me?”

And God said, “Son, I sent you a warning. I sent you a car. I sent you a canoe. I sent you a motorboat. I sent you a helicopter. What more were you looking for?”

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Why has this resurfaced in my mind?
Tonight, at Philo Cafe, the discussion revolved around the concepts of free will and fate, coincidence and luck, trust in God and atheism.
Tonight, I was there with Kevin, after we had dined at Buffalo Wild Wings.
I have not been to Philo in months; he had not for six weeks.
No, this was not a Tuesday.
He had suggested that "Tina Tuesday" was on for this week; I had responded that I already had plans to watch a Gray's Reef movie at Tybee, if he wanted to join me.
No, he was "not feeling that".
I had suggested a Monday meeting instead, maybe with a trip to Odd Lot; he had countered with Philo Cafe for post-dinner.
in the end, he and I had dinner at bww, our usual haunt.
We even had five-dollar discounts, thanks to Bananas baseball - as we have in the past.
But we were not joking with each other.
The mood was somewhat strained, though we pretended to ignore it.
It wasn't until we were in his truck and headed to The Foundry that we truly talked.
Good thing, too.
He was under the impression that I was overcritical of everything he was doing.
(I admit that I have been a bit harsh with him lately.)
I had been under the impression that I was not important to him now that he had a girlfriend.
(He had to admit that time with her had taken precedence.)
Both of us should have been talking to each other before now.
I've realized, too, that many times I'll write in my blog (talking to myself) instead of actually talking to a real person.
He had not realized - until tonight - that my Tuesday "date" with him was as close to a relationship with a man as I had come in the past four years.
He had not realized, back in early May, that his appearance at my booth in Carey Hilliard's had seemed a vision to me. That his motioning me to scoot over so he could sit by my side had been so very much what I needed. That his presence had bolstered my tether to the world after Jean Marie's death.
He doesn't realize that every time I pass by that restaurant, I can still feel his body sliding into the booth to sit right up next to me.
Why doesn't he realize those things?
I have not told him.
It wouldn't be our special "unspoken thing" between us if I did.
You know, like between Maddie and David in "Moonlighting"
or between Sam and Diane in "Cheers",
as Quill told Gamora in "GOTG:V2".
Desides, he had already started seeing the pastry chef...
and I have almost 25 years on him...
and his unstable ex-wife was older than him...
and I have no intention of being compared to her - ever, by anyone.
'Tis better to stay his 'Aunt' Tina and share special Tuesday evenings with him.
I prefer that...
I do...
because I very much want to keep this beloved man in my life.
All I ask for is several hours with him on a Tuesday evening.
Stephanie - or whoever - can have him every other day and night of the week.
At least he is now aware how much I treasure Tuesdays with him.

One of the things we spoke of in his truck was my need for a companion.
I had been without a boyfriend since Harry and I broke up, more than six years ago.
Am I casting blame on God for my being alone?
Is it my fate to be "alone again, naturally"?
Was I "born to walk alone"?
Lord knows I have spent more time solo than with a boyfriend or husband.
Since my divorce, I have had opportunities... but my altruistic character got in the way.
Altruism is defined as "action or behavior that benefits another or others at some cost to the performer".
I have known since my teen years that I have an altruistic bent.
If an action (or lack of action) on my part would benefit a loved one, that was my course... even if I were to suffer.
I still have those tendencies, though I am better at controlling them... mostly.
Even so, I recall well my craziness about the physicist when he came into my life in 2012...
a craziness that came upon me every month as the moon grew full...
leading to trips to familiar places, getting lost along the way...
but also the adventures with a blind cat and his best friend...
and my friendship with the beautiful and wise - and patient - Contessa.
Why didn't I pursue a budding attraction that May of 2012?
For starters, I have fifteen years on him...
and I had suspected that sex would ruin our friendship...
and that "unspoken thing" between us was attraction enough...
and I had the security of knowing he regarded me as a treasured friend...
and that was enough for me...
because I very much wanted to keep this beloved man in my life.

So, what can be said here?
That life has sent two fine men to stand by my side and I have deemed myself not worthy?
Well, that phrase "not worthy" is certainly incorrect.
I am most assuredly worthy of their love.
Instead, what I have done is considered what is best for all concerned... and allowed my love for them to encourage that they fish in other waters.
In other words, my altruistic nature would not allow me to take them as mates... no matter how attracted I was to them.
Although I would have benefited from that course of action in the short term, it would not be worthwhile over the long run.
I would end up by losing them completely from my life.
At least, that's what I tell myself...
and I think I'm correct.
As I told Kevin tonight, "Being right is not always a good thing."
Who knows what the future may hold?
Certainly not I...
but I hope it will continue to hold Kevin and the bfe.

i thank You, God, for these two men and their love.