not the usual 1152 ending

Usually, the Spring semester is one I delight in teaching. After all, the majority of the students tend to be from my Fall Chem1151 class or from the Spring Chem1151 class the previous year.
Not so this time.
I had four students from last semester (Emma, Ashley, Tatyana, and Valeria). From the Spring 2017, I also had four students (Sherod, Jessica, Dasheana, and Ariyanna). Together, they accounted for a fourth of this Chem1152 class (33 students total).
That made for a very different vibe for me.
Add to that difference that only six of those I knew took lab with me.
I didn't have the usual feeling of closeness that I associate with this chemistry class.
That translated to a very different ending tonight.
By this time on Final Exam day, I have been, in all past years, in tears at having to say farewell to the students I have grown to know for two semesters.
Not so this time.
That isn't to say that I haven't become fairly close to several in this last class.
That would be patently untrue.
I admit to a fondness for those who have been part of my Special Office Hours on Sunday evenings. Those are Sherod, Anjelica, Jessica, Mary, Dasheana, Nisha, Caroline, and Kayleigh. Most of them were also in my lab section this semester, too.
Then, there's a few other students I felt a kinship with (Amber, Gabrielle, Lindsay, Morgan, Amanda, Passion, Imelda, and las nueva tres amigas Sabrina, Taylor, and Katey).
So, that brings the total to ... about half the class, that I have some thin emotional interest in their doing well in my class.
Definitely not the usual case.
Sigh.
Perhaps that is appropriate.
Had this been a typical Spring class, then the loss of my teaching post would be that much greater, as I would not have future such classes again.
But this was not a typical Spring class for me...
and this was my last class, of any kind, at this university.
Do I feel sad?
No.
I am relieved.
Even though I was waylaid with news of my termination almost three weeks ago, I have stayed true to my students. I have made sure they received the same quality of teaching as my prior classes for those five lectures on enzymes and metabolism. I have made sure these students did not have a shortfall in the knowledge that their peers had received. (My thanks to the excellent notes of a former student, Jill Harboldt, for helping to plan those lectures after I had been so distraught on the 11th.)
Yes, I have been in denial and in shock.
Yes, I have found it difficult to leave my house and go to the university.
Yes, I have shed many tears about this last semester, though not of late.
The semester is now over, at least the part where I have to directly interact with my students... and that is a relief.
I have felt like I have been lying to them these last three weeks, misleading them that all is normal for me.
I am relieved to not have to mislead them about that anymore.
Now, my freezer will be used for the last time to quell bacteria and slow down viruses on these Final Exam test pages.
When I remove the exams from my 'sterilization chamber', I can clean the ice bin and remove the "Danger: Radioactive Ice" sign from the refrigerator door.
That will be sad.
That will feel like an ending.
This, tonight, is not yet there.