trying to get the smile up to my eyes

I can't seem to smile quite right lately.
My mouth does the right movement, with my lips forming a concave expression...but my eyes remain flat and dull.
That lack of glow from my eyes makes my smile seem an expression of regretful sadness instead of a sign of being happy.
That's been ever since Smitty called me last Monday with the news about Jean Marie's death.
I have felt so alone.
I have felt so vulnerable.
I have felt so lonely.

Tonight, the running bear asked me why I had not called him for help.
I answered that I had not because I knew he was already busy with end of semester school studies and his full-time job with precious snowflakes and the new relationship with his pastry chef and always preparing for an ever-impending race.
He told me he could have made time to come over to give me a hug.
We both knew he meant it when he said it...but we also knew in the next instant that the mechanics of him doing so would not enable it to happen.

I need a hug that will release me only when I let go.
The psychologist is not comfortable with that kind of hug with me.
Perhaps he confers a sexual nature onto such a thing.
But he doesn't know about me and touch.
Sigh.

I feel so alone -
so vulnerable -
so lonely.

All I really want to do is lock myself away from people who know me, people who don't know how to help me as the deep, dark sadness of the world overwhelms me yet again.
All I need is to be held tightly until I can breathe again.
All I need is for a calm voice to assure me that everything is going to be alright.

Sigh.

I thank God this is the last week of school.